The subject that has prompted me to update though is something that literally blew me away. I was rendered speechless...which, for anyone who knows me, is quite an event. I'll start at the beginning...
I was watching E! True Hollywood Story yesterday. They were profiling Angelina Jolie and were to the part about the adoption of her two children. Well, I was a little tired and half way asleep during this part. In the muddled, sleepy, subconscious part of my mind a thought popped up. "Why couldn't I do that?" So, at that moment I decided that if I ended up 30 or so with no relationship that was progressing in the correct direction that I would adopt a kid.
So, when I was talking to my Mom this morning I let her in on this decision. She started fucking crying and got really quiet. I got a little upset wehn she wouldn't give her opinion seeing is that's why I told her. I thought she'd be thrilled at the idea that I would actually agree to having a child...but that was the complete opposite of what happened.
I never thought that my Mom would be the one to start pressuring me to have kids. I never thought she'd encourage me to do it on my own like she did. It's completely out of this world. I seriously never thought she'd start crying over the thought of me adopting rather than squeezing a kid out of my twat. It's ridiculous. I thought I'd have more of a problem with my grandparents simply because of the social climate they are victims of. I'm not saying they are bigots or racists or anything of that nature, I'm just saying that they would probably have a longer adjustment period...because let's be real, chances are that a single woman is probably not going to have the money to put into a private adoption nor is she going to be at the top of the list for a caucasian child. That's ok with me. I'd love to find the perfect child. I'd never want to keep the adoption a secret from others or from the child. This is all starting to sound really horrible, but that's just because it's in print. Oh well.
I just never thought my Mom would be like this. I never thought she'd get so upset. She wanted to know why I would adopt a kid when I wouldn't just have one. The fact of the matter is I don't want to go through all the paperwork and nastiness associated with actually having to share my child with someone that I'm not married to. If I'm going to do something unconventional, I may as well do it all the way. It's not as if the child wouldn't be mine, it just wouldn't be mine biologically. So what. It's not as if biology matters. It didn't matter in my case. My father doesn't even care about me and I'm half his biologically.
Adopting a kid isn't my way of saying that I'm giving up on marriage and having children of my own, it's just saying that I think I may be ready to have a child of my own before that stuff happens. I'd rather adopt a child and be a mother than wait for this as yet unrealized man to come into my life and make it all possible. I'm just beside myself. I never thought my Mom would rather me go pick some random man to get pregnant by than adopt. She just thinks I should have a baby and never associate with the father. She thinks it is that fucking easy. The only reason she got away with it is because my father didn't give a shit about me. I'd end up pregnant by some worthless piece of shit that made my life and the life of my child hell. I mean, I could have gotten pregnant by several of my caustic exes but, shit, she would have hated that. What the fuck does she want? She wants me to do it all her way and just thinks it'll work out. She told my friend Joel not too long ago that she just wanted me to get pregnant already. She has no issues with me walking across the stage at graduation nine months pregnant and leaving my baby with her to finish my education. News flash: I'd stay with my kid before I left it with her. Not saying that my Mom isn't capable of raising a child and not saying that the decisions in her life weren't warranted, but I am not a product of the same situations she was victim to. It's ridiculous.
I'm not even interested in boys right now. I just want to finish school and get a job. That's what I want. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want a fiance, I don't want a baby, I don't want any further committment than my dog provides. Ugh, I'm going to quit talking about it. It's just getting more and more upsetting. Peace out people.