Attitude in Staggering Proportions

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Updates...I guess

I haven't updated in forever. That's a big, fat oh well. School has been hectic, but, overall, I've had very little to update about. My upstairs neighbor is still an asshole, I'm still working on my painting series, etc. The series is getting displayed at the end of the year even though I'm not a major...which is big, exciting news.

The subject that has prompted me to update though is something that literally blew me away. I was rendered speechless...which, for anyone who knows me, is quite an event. I'll start at the beginning...

I was watching E! True Hollywood Story yesterday. They were profiling Angelina Jolie and were to the part about the adoption of her two children. Well, I was a little tired and half way asleep during this part. In the muddled, sleepy, subconscious part of my mind a thought popped up. "Why couldn't I do that?" So, at that moment I decided that if I ended up 30 or so with no relationship that was progressing in the correct direction that I would adopt a kid.

So, when I was talking to my Mom this morning I let her in on this decision. She started fucking crying and got really quiet. I got a little upset wehn she wouldn't give her opinion seeing is that's why I told her. I thought she'd be thrilled at the idea that I would actually agree to having a child...but that was the complete opposite of what happened.

I never thought that my Mom would be the one to start pressuring me to have kids. I never thought she'd encourage me to do it on my own like she did. It's completely out of this world. I seriously never thought she'd start crying over the thought of me adopting rather than squeezing a kid out of my twat. It's ridiculous. I thought I'd have more of a problem with my grandparents simply because of the social climate they are victims of. I'm not saying they are bigots or racists or anything of that nature, I'm just saying that they would probably have a longer adjustment period...because let's be real, chances are that a single woman is probably not going to have the money to put into a private adoption nor is she going to be at the top of the list for a caucasian child. That's ok with me. I'd love to find the perfect child. I'd never want to keep the adoption a secret from others or from the child. This is all starting to sound really horrible, but that's just because it's in print. Oh well.

I just never thought my Mom would be like this. I never thought she'd get so upset. She wanted to know why I would adopt a kid when I wouldn't just have one. The fact of the matter is I don't want to go through all the paperwork and nastiness associated with actually having to share my child with someone that I'm not married to. If I'm going to do something unconventional, I may as well do it all the way. It's not as if the child wouldn't be mine, it just wouldn't be mine biologically. So what. It's not as if biology matters. It didn't matter in my case. My father doesn't even care about me and I'm half his biologically.

Adopting a kid isn't my way of saying that I'm giving up on marriage and having children of my own, it's just saying that I think I may be ready to have a child of my own before that stuff happens. I'd rather adopt a child and be a mother than wait for this as yet unrealized man to come into my life and make it all possible. I'm just beside myself. I never thought my Mom would rather me go pick some random man to get pregnant by than adopt. She just thinks I should have a baby and never associate with the father. She thinks it is that fucking easy. The only reason she got away with it is because my father didn't give a shit about me. I'd end up pregnant by some worthless piece of shit that made my life and the life of my child hell. I mean, I could have gotten pregnant by several of my caustic exes but, shit, she would have hated that. What the fuck does she want? She wants me to do it all her way and just thinks it'll work out. She told my friend Joel not too long ago that she just wanted me to get pregnant already. She has no issues with me walking across the stage at graduation nine months pregnant and leaving my baby with her to finish my education. News flash: I'd stay with my kid before I left it with her. Not saying that my Mom isn't capable of raising a child and not saying that the decisions in her life weren't warranted, but I am not a product of the same situations she was victim to. It's ridiculous.

I'm not even interested in boys right now. I just want to finish school and get a job. That's what I want. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want a fiance, I don't want a baby, I don't want any further committment than my dog provides. Ugh, I'm going to quit talking about it. It's just getting more and more upsetting. Peace out people.

Saturday, September 17, 2005


I have a date. An actual he-is-picking-me-up date. Not with someone who is already my boyfriend, just someone applying for the job. We've had two false starts so far, but maybe third time will be a charm. I don't know, I'm unsure about this kid romantically, but he seems the type I could definitely be friends with if nothing else.

I have to go clean my house...argh. So far today I've gotten my oil changed, done my grocery shopping for the week, done seven loads of laundry, walked my dog, taken a bath, done my returns and run my other errands. Now I have to clean my house and do the full schlacking (sp?) for my date this evening. Kim and Loren are coming over at 6 to keep me company while I get ready.


So, I didn't post this and left it up on accident. I've now eaten (probably not the wisest thing to do), cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, and now I'm taking a small break. I have to go begin the beautification process here in a few minutes--those of you who know me (if there is anyone) know that I need all the help I can get.

Anyway, I'm off. Hope everyone has a great night!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Coincidence of All Coincidences

I've got an apartment, and it will be ready on the 20th.

I've got a dog.

I've scheduled the movers and the cable guy.

I've given notice at the storage room.

I've made the reservation for the hotel room I'll be staying in while I don't have an apartment.

I still have to do laundry, pack enough stuff for the first three days of school, copy all the pages out of the library books I need, send the money for my ticket, pay my library fines, drop my psychology class, add the photography class and Italian class, and buy my books.

I'm fairly certain owe ove r$100 in library fines after the books get returned. They say I own almost $600 now because I've been charged to replace the books. Ugh. I'm going to get that taken care of ASAP tomorrow.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The Princess Has Arrived and the Queen Has Ascended the Throne

I got a new puppy last night. Her name is Zoe (pronouced Zoey) Jezebel. I wanted to name her Sucia (a really vile insult in Spanish without any real English translation, but basically can be a dirty, bad girl), but Mom said it was too soft-sounding a name and that Zoe would have a hard time recognizing it. So, hence Zoe. We'll see how it works out. She already seems to be responding to it.

She totally accosts Pepper everytime they see each other and my poor old poodle is feeling thoroughly harassed. It's all good though. Zoe and I are going to be gone in less than a week anyway.

I heard from my Tennessee-by-way-of-Michigan friend. Says he's had a hellacious week at work. "Sorry" was all I got, no explanation, nothing. Oh well. That's how he is. Take him or leave him. Unfortunately, I have no other choice but to leave him at the moment. We just aren't meant to be, but it might be fun figuring that out for sure. LOL.

Anyway, Zoe is asleep in my lap and I'm dead tired. I'm off. Everyone who has the misfortunte to be reading this journal, I hope you have a wonderful day! I'm taking my nephew to the ball game for his birthday this evening, so pray for little to no rain!

Thursday, August 11, 2005


I am an extraordinary person.

I am neurotic, but at least I realize it.

I am attempting to pull the 2x4 from my asshole.

I am an intelligent individual.

I do deserve explanations, phone calls, and affection.

I am worth the trouble.

I'm brilliantly funny most of the time.

The person I'm with at any given time is lucky to have me.

I may not be a great beauty, but I am not ugly. Although I have my moments.

I do deserve more than I get a lot of the time.

I'm loyal, loving, caring, compassionate and have a limited bullshit tolerance.

I am totally worth it. In fact, I'm worth driving 8 hours for. I'm worth driving 8 hours, paying $100 for a place to stay, and only having 12 hours to spend with me.

I'm going to be a good mother.

I'm am totally going to be successful. Wait, I'm totally successful now.

I may be flabby, but I am not fat.

I may be going gray, but I keeping the confidence I have over good hair is totally worth $125 every three months.

I am a keeper and anyone who doesn't realize it has issues.

That's all I have to say for now.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Fate is a woman

Fate is a tricky thing.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "This isn't the way it was supposed to be" either in a particular situation or about the state of your life.

Seriously, I've been in a funk all summer. This is the last summer I had to goof off and have a good time. I tried to make it that way and it just didn't pan out. I've been in a funk.

I have this odd urge to call my Dad and tell him what I think simply because I have no insurance and therapy is too expensive. One of my philosophies is that there is a certain point at which you have to stop blaming your parents for they way things have turned out and start taking responsibility for their own lives. I've just come to this realization that the reason my life is the way it is is simply because I continue to live my life through my parents. I put such an emphasis on taking care of my Mom that I don't take care of myself, and I've put such an emphasis on the fact that my own Father doesn't love me that I continually and repeatedly persue dead end relationships.

I mean, you'd look at my dating history and, on the surface at least, some of them have been pretty decent guys. I'm sure they have women in their histories that would attest to that fact. But, for me, they aren't so good. They leave and I end up with some sort of emotional hangover from seeing them. I go into every situation knowing what it's going to be, but I still go into it hoping for the best. Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy or is it simply that I know deep down what kind of decisions I'm making?

You know, every time people ask me what I want to do with my life, I spout this answer that becomes less and less true with every step I take towards it. "I want to go into forensics." Sure, it would be fascinating and the money is good, but what do I really want to do? Well, for anyone who wants to know, I want to travel around the States and take pictures. That's all I want to do. I want to have shows in art galleries and maybe let someone put my pictures in a book to decorate people's coffee tables. No, I don't really want my photography in a book. I want to put it in galleries under a pseudonym so no one will know it's me.

Honestly, I hate the snow, but I miss it. I want to go to Wisconsin, Vermont, Maine, New Hampsire, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. I want to steer clear of places that have painful memories or house painful people. So basically no Alaska, Alabama, Oregon, Montana or Michigan. I may have to lift the tariffs due to the possiblity of pretty pictures, the lack of a highway that goes around, or the need for a place to stay (lack of money or need of bedrest due to illness).

I don't want to go back to school next semester, but that would screw me for the next year. I just want to go take a bunch of pretty pictures. I just want to drive until I get too tired to drive anymore. I want to go back to Wyoming and take pictures of the Tetons in Yellowstone. I want Ansel Adams type pictures in the snow. I want pictures of the friends and family that I haven't seen in ages. I want to meet interesting people and go interesting places and lose contact with the people I know and love here. Not lost contact completely, but just not be around so much.

So, anyone want to run away with me? Doubtful, but that's ok. I wanted to do it on my own anyhow. Anyone want me to drop by and see them? Wait, that's a way to get a boycott lifted off a state if I don't watch it.