Fate is a woman
Fate is a tricky thing.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "This isn't the way it was supposed to be" either in a particular situation or about the state of your life.
Seriously, I've been in a funk all summer. This is the last summer I had to goof off and have a good time. I tried to make it that way and it just didn't pan out. I've been in a funk.
I have this odd urge to call my Dad and tell him what I think simply because I have no insurance and therapy is too expensive. One of my philosophies is that there is a certain point at which you have to stop blaming your parents for they way things have turned out and start taking responsibility for their own lives. I've just come to this realization that the reason my life is the way it is is simply because I continue to live my life through my parents. I put such an emphasis on taking care of my Mom that I don't take care of myself, and I've put such an emphasis on the fact that my own Father doesn't love me that I continually and repeatedly persue dead end relationships.
I mean, you'd look at my dating history and, on the surface at least, some of them have been pretty decent guys. I'm sure they have women in their histories that would attest to that fact. But, for me, they aren't so good. They leave and I end up with some sort of emotional hangover from seeing them. I go into every situation knowing what it's going to be, but I still go into it hoping for the best. Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy or is it simply that I know deep down what kind of decisions I'm making?
You know, every time people ask me what I want to do with my life, I spout this answer that becomes less and less true with every step I take towards it. "I want to go into forensics." Sure, it would be fascinating and the money is good, but what do I really want to do? Well, for anyone who wants to know, I want to travel around the States and take pictures. That's all I want to do. I want to have shows in art galleries and maybe let someone put my pictures in a book to decorate people's coffee tables. No, I don't really want my photography in a book. I want to put it in galleries under a pseudonym so no one will know it's me.
Honestly, I hate the snow, but I miss it. I want to go to Wisconsin, Vermont, Maine, New Hampsire, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. I want to steer clear of places that have painful memories or house painful people. So basically no Alaska, Alabama, Oregon, Montana or Michigan. I may have to lift the tariffs due to the possiblity of pretty pictures, the lack of a highway that goes around, or the need for a place to stay (lack of money or need of bedrest due to illness).
I don't want to go back to school next semester, but that would screw me for the next year. I just want to go take a bunch of pretty pictures. I just want to drive until I get too tired to drive anymore. I want to go back to Wyoming and take pictures of the Tetons in Yellowstone. I want Ansel Adams type pictures in the snow. I want pictures of the friends and family that I haven't seen in ages. I want to meet interesting people and go interesting places and lose contact with the people I know and love here. Not lost contact completely, but just not be around so much.
So, anyone want to run away with me? Doubtful, but that's ok. I wanted to do it on my own anyhow. Anyone want me to drop by and see them? Wait, that's a way to get a boycott lifted off a state if I don't watch it.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "This isn't the way it was supposed to be" either in a particular situation or about the state of your life.
Seriously, I've been in a funk all summer. This is the last summer I had to goof off and have a good time. I tried to make it that way and it just didn't pan out. I've been in a funk.
I have this odd urge to call my Dad and tell him what I think simply because I have no insurance and therapy is too expensive. One of my philosophies is that there is a certain point at which you have to stop blaming your parents for they way things have turned out and start taking responsibility for their own lives. I've just come to this realization that the reason my life is the way it is is simply because I continue to live my life through my parents. I put such an emphasis on taking care of my Mom that I don't take care of myself, and I've put such an emphasis on the fact that my own Father doesn't love me that I continually and repeatedly persue dead end relationships.
I mean, you'd look at my dating history and, on the surface at least, some of them have been pretty decent guys. I'm sure they have women in their histories that would attest to that fact. But, for me, they aren't so good. They leave and I end up with some sort of emotional hangover from seeing them. I go into every situation knowing what it's going to be, but I still go into it hoping for the best. Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy or is it simply that I know deep down what kind of decisions I'm making?
You know, every time people ask me what I want to do with my life, I spout this answer that becomes less and less true with every step I take towards it. "I want to go into forensics." Sure, it would be fascinating and the money is good, but what do I really want to do? Well, for anyone who wants to know, I want to travel around the States and take pictures. That's all I want to do. I want to have shows in art galleries and maybe let someone put my pictures in a book to decorate people's coffee tables. No, I don't really want my photography in a book. I want to put it in galleries under a pseudonym so no one will know it's me.
Honestly, I hate the snow, but I miss it. I want to go to Wisconsin, Vermont, Maine, New Hampsire, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. I want to steer clear of places that have painful memories or house painful people. So basically no Alaska, Alabama, Oregon, Montana or Michigan. I may have to lift the tariffs due to the possiblity of pretty pictures, the lack of a highway that goes around, or the need for a place to stay (lack of money or need of bedrest due to illness).
I don't want to go back to school next semester, but that would screw me for the next year. I just want to go take a bunch of pretty pictures. I just want to drive until I get too tired to drive anymore. I want to go back to Wyoming and take pictures of the Tetons in Yellowstone. I want Ansel Adams type pictures in the snow. I want pictures of the friends and family that I haven't seen in ages. I want to meet interesting people and go interesting places and lose contact with the people I know and love here. Not lost contact completely, but just not be around so much.
So, anyone want to run away with me? Doubtful, but that's ok. I wanted to do it on my own anyhow. Anyone want me to drop by and see them? Wait, that's a way to get a boycott lifted off a state if I don't watch it.
posted by Kat @ 8/09/2005 05:38:00 AM
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